How to Talk to Your Parents About Money, with Behavioral Economist Etinosa Agbonlahor | Afford Anything Podcast

#636: Behavioral economist Etinosa Agbonlahor joins us to discuss "money scripts" — the unconscious beliefs we inherit or develop about finances. 

Agbonlahor, CEO of Decision Alpha and former Director of Behavioral Science Research at Fidelity Investments, is the author of "How to Talk to Your Parents About Money." 

She studied financial management at Cornell University and explains how these hidden biases create problems when we try to discuss finances with family members.

You might assume everyone thinks saving money makes sense, while your parents operate under completely different beliefs. These conflicting scripts can derail conversations before they start. 

Agbonlahor shares the story of a single mother who became so anxious about money after her divorce that she refused to buy her teenager expensive shoes. Years later, she realized she was trying to teach extreme frugality to protect her daughters from the financial insecurity she experienced.

The key to productive money conversations lies in three principles: care, curiosity and cooperation. You approach with empathy rather than judgment, ask open-ended questions to understand their situation, and work together toward solutions instead of trying to be the financial savior.

The conversation covers specific topics you should address with aging parents: debt, retirement planning, long-term care preferences, and estate planning. Agbonlahor emphasizes starting these discussions early, before a crisis hits. 

You want to understand their vision for retirement — whether they prioritize security, adventure or leaving a legacy — and then assess the gap between their goals and current reality.

When parents refuse to discuss finances, you might need to involve trusted friends, spiritual leaders or professional advisors who can have these conversations instead. 

Resources Mentioned:

Book: How to Talk to Your Parents About Money, by Etinosa Agbonlahor

The Humble Dollar Forum

Timestamps:

Note: Timestamps will vary on individual listening devices based on dynamic advertising run times. The provided timestamps are approximate and may be several minutes off due to changing ad lengths.

(00:00) Introduction to money scripts

(00:56) What behavioral economics studies

(03:03) Hidden money beliefs

(04:34) Money script examples

(06:16) Adult trauma responses

(09:32) Personality and money

(11:57) Trauma changes personality

(12:55) Protecting future habits

(15:17) Debt conversation approach

(22:03) When to start conversations

(27:53) Using "I" statements

(29:51) Sample conversation scripts

(33:36) Handling resistance

(43:35) Parents' money frameworks

(56:46) Long-term care planning

(58:02) Stepparent conversations

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